The elder statesmen crowded round the large tank of water in the centre of the room. Their eyes were fixed, solemnly on the large, ageing fish alone in the tank.

The fish was a Cod.

The cod was called Ela’hi.

Ela’hi was dying. And fast. The elders crowded round his tank as mourners at a funeral.

And the Ela’hi, ruler of the House of Cod, Died.

He was of course given a full state burial.

The elders had been preparing for this time. They had been instructed by Ela’hi on how to find his successor. They had been given their tasks.

Firstly they watch respectfully as Ela’hi floated gently to the surface of his presidential tank. Once there, they scooped him up gently and placed him in the seaweed lined casket that had been waiting for several weeks for this moment.

Already news of the death of Ela’hi had seeped from the royal court and was spreading. Mourners were gathering outside the ruling goldfish bowl where Ela’hi had spent his dying days. The elders began the journey at a restrained pace, carrying the body, if not the sole, of the Great Ela’hi, Ruler of the House of Cod, down for one final time to the river where as a young fish he had swam to his destiny as a mighty ruler of men.

When the procession and the huge crowd thronging behind it reached the shore of the river they laid the casket gently down and with a tender murmur of prayer they returned Ela’hi to the great fish farmer in the sky.

And then, being entirely practical men, they turned their attention to finding his successor.

Ela’hi had given much guidance on this matter and had shown that the first Cod worthy of leadership of men would take the bait and rise on the line to be anointed at the Goldfish Bowl.

This is partly the story of Ela’hi’s successor.

“Well it started off as your average day in the life of a Cod. My mum and I were just minding our own business looking out for a bit of lunch and a quiet rock to have and afternoon nap in the shade of.

Next thing I know, there is this gorgeous looking lump of bacon dangling in front of me. Now not many people know that your average Cod is very fond of a nice slice of bacon. Subsequently not that much of it is left lying around the place by careless fishermen, which I, and many other cod, consider a great shame.

Anyway, I digress;

To cut a long sharks tail short, I couldn’t resist the bait. Next thing I know, up I go, I’ve chomped on a hook. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid! I be kicking myself if I had feet. At this point mum scarpers off into the distance, never to be seen again. I’m glad I remember as a fish swimming free.

Every fish and especially every cod growing up around these parts knows what happens to the fish on the hook. I started saying my prayers.

The next part is a bit of a blank. I got a bang on the head and before you can say; ‘you look like a haddock’ I’m in a nice warm bowl.

I must admit to being a bit disorientated.

Slowly the mistiness in front of my eyes started to clear with just the most banging headache left. It felt liked I’d been on the rocks all night.

I started to pay attention to my surroundings. This tank I was in was not like any goldfish bowl I’d seen in the pictures when I was at the tadpole elementary school for fish. This was huge and bloody comfortable looking. More importantly I was to realise it had a large computer screen in the corner with a keyboard and to large buttons to the side, one red, one green.

This was the Codputer.

Well being the inquisitive little fish that I am, I decided to see what would happen if I rammed my fin into the green button. Not a lot. So I tried the red button, this time a large rumble occurred up above, unleashing huge quantities of fish flakes from the skies. Dinner time! I realised I was starving. Time to tuck in, us cods have a saying, ‘eat now before the shark eats you’ Ahh, mummy’s words of wisdom, how I miss them.

Turned out, the computer wasn’t actually inside the bowl. It was on the outside and I was using the latest touch screen technology through the walls of my new home. What a clever cod I am.

Feeding time was just about over when a large message appeared on the screen;

“HELLO”

Well being a sociable kinda fish I said ‘hello’ back.

It was at this point that I actually took the time to look beyond the walls of my little tank.

Shit.

The place was full of humans.

Shit Shit Shit.

Death was imminent. Then came another message;

“WOULD YOU LIKE TO READ THE HOLY BOOK, THE CORAN?”

Well I’m not much of a reader but in the absence of any other entertainment and realising that with these humans about I needed every prayer I could get, I said yes.

Page by page the holy Coran was displayed on the Codputer.

What a revelation.

“So I’m in charge round here?”

“YES”

“I am the Codfather?”

“YES”

“wahoooooo”

Studied silence from the Codputer.

It turned out the Cod was now supreme ruler of the House of Cod which in turn was the only religion, nay, only authority on the island of Erran, which lay about 50 miles northwest of the outer Hebrides.

During the fierce storms that frequently rocked and isolated this exposed community of around 2000 humans, one year stood about above all others. It was the year 1837. The storms that year had been ten times as devastating as anything known before. Wave upon angry, white tipped, wave crashed with supreme tidal force against the primitive settlements which were humankinds toehold on the desolate island. Many of the inhabitants died that year, often swept away in the sleep by freak flooding, never to be seen again.

Those that survived nightly raids by the sea found themselves faced with starvation. This fishermen were unable to set sail for an unprecedented six months. Not a single clear day dawned to them the chance to bring respite to their communities. All had seemed lost for the dwindling band of survivors, they all feared they had days left to live when the miracle arrived.

The giant cod arrived.

It was the first Codfather.

And he made a fantastic supper.

Flying on the crest of anther huge and potentially devastating wave, the cod gave food to the hungry band of souls for three days.

On the fourth day, the second Codfather appeared and again nourished the survivors.

The first ten Codfathers fed their people for over a month until the storms finally passed. On the first day of peaceful weather the people of Erran were shocked to see another huge wave heading for the island. They need not have feared. The wave feel inches short of the island but left on the shore the 11^th Codfather, DaveFred III. Quickly the humans rushed to the fist but instead of eating him as the had his predecessors, they decided to preserve his life as a mark of respect for those cod who had gone before and saved their lives.

And so it was that DaveFred III became the first of the modern Codfathers. At first he had mainly novelty value to the islanders. He was placed in a rudimentary tank and he was cared for as best they could.

The 11^th Codfather lasted for 3 years. Upon his death the islands then ruling council called a special session and it was decided that the tank must have a cod in it or a great misfortune may again befall them.

So the wise men sent for the greatest living fisherman. They sent for Albert. Albert was an old man by this time. He has spent many years fishing in all weathers and it was rumoured he had a small magic flute which he used to call the fish to him and so gave him his magnificent hauls that earned his legendary reputation.

The truth was simpler.

And less exciting.

Albert used bacon.

When the islands council found out about his methods they had to commend his simple logic. Albert, as a young man, had reasoned that if he liked bacon for breakfast then the fish he was seeking probably would to.

Genius.

Anyway, Albert took the elders down to the sea and fished. 3 hours later the next Codfather was bought ashore.

For another 120 years this tradition continued uninterrupted. By now all the people who could remember the original Codfather and his reason for being had long since died. And as the elderly survivors died so did the reasons for keeping the Codfather until one day, when the 97^th Codfather died, he wasn’t replaced.

The tank stood empty.

The people ruled themselves.

But not for long. Two nights after the Codfather died and wasn’t replaced the winds started. The blew with a gale force never seen before. The island was battered and the people cowered in the face of natures most brutal elements. And so the winds raged for days, with accompanying and supporting rain.

In the end one of islanders. A superstitious soul. A crackpot old man who sat in his house reading his old books. But one of the islanders, none the less, he stepped up and called for a new Codfather to save the people.

And because he had been asked, so it was delivered, ‘cos the world has a habit of working like that. The 98^th Codfather arrived and so the humans did learn their lesson.

“And that’s why I’m here today?”

“YES”

“Blimey”

“YES”

“What was the old mad man’s name?”

“DOES IT MATTER?”

“I suppose not”

“GOOD. NOW GET RULING”

“oh…”

“OH GREAT ONE”

“that wasn’t what I meant, but I like you manners”

And so this is partly the story of Ela’hi’s successor.

“so what is it that I normally do on a day to day basis then, as the Codfather, that is?

“WHATEVER YOU WANT”

“well yes, obviously. But do I help the poor, visit the needy, dispense wise advise to my councillors…?”

“NOT REALLY”

“So what do I do?”

“YOUR MORE…SYMBOLIC”

“?”

“A FIGUREHEAD”

“?”

“CODFATHER, YOU DO NOTHING AND YET YOU DO EVERYTHING. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO, YOU JUST HAVE TO BE. THE WISE MEN OUTSIDE THE TANK HAVE BECOME VERY GOOD AT ANTICIPATING YOUR NEEDS AND PLANS FOR THE ISLAND”

“You mean they don’t bother asking me, but it anyone asks them, they have asked me?”

“EXACTLY”

“So this is one of those power without responsibility things mum used to tell me about in her socio-economic lectures on a Saturday afternoon before the Codball.”

“YES”

“Codputer, would you say that there’s any of those humans out there that I can trust?”

“TRUST?”

“As in, rely upon to carry out my wishes without telling other humans what I’m up to”

“YES THERE IS ONE”

“Only one, on the whole of this island”

“I’M AFRAID INTRIGUE HAS BECOME A WAY OF LIFE”

“I’ve always preferred Buddhism, but anyway, fetch me the one”

The 98^th Codfather was swimming slowly round his tank. Pondering the intricacies of life once you were the ultimate ruler of an island. He’d only been the ruler for 2 hours 13 minutes but he was already developing a good idea of the limitations of the role. It went something like this;

The humans on the island had formed themselves into small groups based around a large farmhouse. Each group was called a Log. Each log then elected a leader. Normally this leader was the son of the leader before, who in turn was probably the son of the leader before that. The Codputer had called it Hereditary. The Cod had called it corrupt. The leader of each log was called the Leaf and all the Leaf’s on the island formed a ruling council called Foliage. This meant the Foliage currently had 37 members after a nasty fire at one of the large farmhouses last week had destroyed one of the logs. The Foliage in turn elected a ruling council of 5, called the Hedge. And apparently it was only members of the Hedge who had access to the Codfather.

They members of the Hedge came to the Codfather to submit, or rather rubberstamp, all new laws on the island. However, this only happened twice a year so in the meantime the Hedge pretty much did as they pleased.

Back in the old days, when apparently the Codfather had much more power, the role of the Hedge had been to look after the leader and make sure he survived. It now seemed that the roles had reversed and it was the Stamp of the Codfather that was ensuring the survival of the ruling elite.

The 98^th Codfather stared thoughtfully through his glass walls and pondered some more.

He than swam over to the Codputer to ask some more questions;

“So these humans I see outside the tank, they’re the Hedge are they?”

“NO”

“But I thought only the Hedge had access to me”

“IN THEORY, YES”

“In theory?”

“IN PRACTICE THEY NO LONGER CARE FOR THE CODFATHER ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS. THEY ARE TOO BUSY RUNNING THE ISLAND TO HAVE TIME TO LISTEN TO A COD. THIS IS WHY THEY INSTALLED ME. TO SAVE THEM TIME.”

“So these humans, who are they?”

“THEY ARE A SMALL BAND OF THE WIDER FOLIAGE WHO HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE TASK OF CARING FOR YOU.”

“Hmmm, and what’s in it for them?”

“IT IS VIEWED AS A STEPPING STONE TOWARDS MEMBERSHIP OF THE HEDGE. IT IS ALL PART OF THE RIGID HEIRACHAL STRUCTURE IN PLACE IN THIS SOCIETY”

“Would you say you are a revolutionary Codputer?”

“I AM MERELY A PROCESSING MACHINE. HOWEVER I UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPTS OF MATHEMATICAL FAIRNESS AND PROBABILITIES”

“I’m sure you do”

The Codfather was swimming slowly again. Round and round he went. He almost felt quite dizzy. He was thinking. He wasn’t sure that being a Codfather was currently all it was cracked up to be. A small vibrating motion across the water interrupted his thinking and sent shivers down his fins. The Codputer wanted his attention. He swan over at a leisurely pace, careful not to look like he was rushing. He tapped the green button casually to find out what it wanted of him now;

“YOU HAVE A VISITOR”

“Who?”

“IT IS THE ONE YOU ASKED TO SEE”

“ahh, show him in. Can you interpret for us. I want to ask him some questions”

“I HAVE THE COMPUTING POWER TO DO THAT, YES”

“Clever Codputer”

The Codputer went momentarily blank, almost as if it had wandered off to get somebody. Moments later the screen flickered again, at the same time all the lights outside the tank went off.

“HE IS HERE, BUT HE PREFERS NOT TO BE SEEN. HE SHOULD NOT BE HERE WITH THE PERMISSION OF THE HEDGE.”

“Surely he can’t get into that much trouble, after all he has been called by me and I am the Supreme Ruler, remember?”

“INDEED YOU ARE SIR. HOWEVER LAW 37.4(1982), SUBSECTION C, PARAGRAPH 47, CLEARLY STATES THAT UNAUTHORISED INTERACTION WITH THE CODFATHER BY NON HEDGE MEMBERS CAN RESULT IN PUNNISHMENTS RANGING FROM DEATH BY FRYING DOWN TO A MERE STONING WITH EMU EGGS”

“Did one of my predecessors sign that law?”

“THE 84^TH CODFATHER SIGNED THAT LAW ON THE 3 NOVEMBER 1982”

“Did he think it was fair?”

“I CANNOT ACCURATELY SAY. HOWEVER MOST OF LAW 37.4 DEALS WITH THE QUALITY OF FISH FLAKES TO BE IMPORTED FOR HIS FOOD. I WOULD IMAGINE HE APPROVED IT WITHOUT READING AS FAR AS PARAGRAPH 47”

“I imagine so”

“YOUR VISITOR IS WAITING”

“ahh, yes, what’s his name?”

“ADRIAN”

The Codfather and the writer talked for exactly 39 minutes. They said much in that time, with the Codputer chipping in every now and again with helpful suggestions.

At the end of this conversation Adrian disappeared off. The Codfather turned to the touch screen in the corner

“So do you think he can be trusted?”

“YES. HE HAS NO HISTORY OF UNTRUSTWORTHY BEHAVIOUR BEYOND THE STANDARD NEEDED TO REACH THE FOLIAGE IN THE FIRST PLACE”

“Oh that’s reassuring”

Adrian did return. 3 hours and 17 minutes later.

“HE SAYS HE IS SORRY HE TOOK SO LONG. HE HAD A FLASH OF INSPIRATION AND DIDN’T WANT TO STOP WRITING”

“Ok well tell him to hurry up and scoop my into that little travelling bowl, I want to get moving and actually see this island.”

“OK. YOU DO REALISE THAT NO CODFATHER HAS ACTUALLY SEEN ERRAN SINCE THE 19^TH CODFATHER DIED MAKING A BID FOR FREEDOM”

“Thanks again, real source of cheerful information aren’t you”

“I DO NOT SEEK TO BE CHEERFUL, ONLY INFORMATIVE”

The 97^th Codfather did not get the chance to respond as he was suddenly scooped up and dumped unceremoniously into a tiny bowl.

“They really could work on the Supreme Rulers travelling arrangements couldn’t they”

However nobody could hear this. He couldn’t communicate directly with Adrian and he now had no link with the Codputer. He could only hope that his plan worked and that he made it back to the tank before his absence was noticed.

The 97^th Codfather’s plan didn’t work.

Outside the door were waiting the entire membership of the Hedge.

“Oh ***** cod fingers!”

The Hedge watch the air bubbles of the expletives rise to the surface of the water impassively. And then they grabbed the bowl from Adrian’s hands, gave him a small pat on the back and ushered him out the room.

The rest of the Codfather’s life was short and relatively pain free. In the end he was only Codfather for 13 hours 42 minutes. He hadn’t even lasted a day of ultimate power. The wise men of the Hedge on knew that their people did not want an inquisitive fish for a ruler went back to Albert and got him to catch them another Codfather, the 98^th. And he proved to be much more docile than the 97^th. The Codputer got reprogrammed as well.

The 97^th Codfather got none of the trappings of a state burial. He was only flushed down the toilet and silently written out of history by the men of the Hedge.

The people of Erran never mourned him, although maybe they should have.