Ethederal the Devil of Love looked at the schedule and sighed;
“look I’ve got another bloody weekend on call! That’s 4 out of last 6 I’ve done now, bloody shocking, somebody ought to have a word with Him about this…”
Far above, a human raised his sword in blind anger
It was now the weekend in question and Ethederal was not happy. So far his Saturday had consisted of stoking the eternal fires of hell, which sounded great until you realise that nobody had paid to have the chimney cleaned for the past 16,000 years and so it was a right bastard to get going in the morning. After that little delight had been over it had been straight to the front gates to meet the latest batch of newcomers and give them the guided tour. Normally this was quite fun, you always got one or two characters in a batch and Ethederal normally thrived on the banter, he prided himself on making your arrival in Hell reasonably enjoyable…
The sword came flashing down through the air, indiscriminate in where it landed
“… And on your right here is the main dining area. As you will no doubt have noticed the main feature is the large spit roast in the centre of the room. The High Devil’s normally have a barbecue at least once a week for those who really haven’t behaved themselves… yes the naughty get to feast on the good here I’m afraid”
Ethederal had noticed something slightly unusual about the latest batch of arrivals, they were all brown skinned, he was wondering where all the white sinners were hiding, probably best to keep a look out for them…
The bright sunlight caught the blade as it fell, but it was still cold steel on skin when the time came.
“… and this is the doorway to the Pit of the Indescribables. Yes, it may surprise you to realise that there are some of you humans who aren’t even deemed worthy of Hell and so we send them straight to the Pit. Occasionally one or two escape which causes a problem but generally we have them under control”
Ethederal continued on his guided tour, down the steps to the lava baths, past the individually curtained showers of acid, onwards to the sadists playground and then back up to his own personal turf… The Devil of Love’s Boudoir…
And what a scene it was. Everywhere lay the wreckage and carnage of the human heart. And that wreckage was generally laying on something tastefully red or black and made of either soft, luscious red velvet or hard, shining PVC… well it gave the inmates something to polish with their tears.
The Devil of Love fitted in perfectly to the room. Standing tall in his immaculate red suit, white shirt (top button undone of course, with tie loosened to one side), black heels and a delightful little studded collar to round it off. This stunning ensemble of this years Hell couture was topped by a face bearing red lipstick and a nicely rounded pair of horns (‘well, it is what the punters expect’ he was always told when he objected)…
The sword met the flesh, and the river of an unknown child’s blood flowed.
As Ethederal had entered the room a small figure had run over to greet him. Almost tenderly he had taken the lead of the creature and together they had walked the room. Every now and again the Devil of Love would have to give a tug at the lead to make the creature behave. Every time he did this she would return to his side obediently for a short period of time before trying to wander off and tease the new occupants of Hell, in the end the Devil felt compelled to introduce her;
“This is Tearjerker, my very own Fallen Angel. Oh yes, when Angels go bad, they fall into our hands. And we do what we can for them, we place a collar and chain on them and try to give them the best chance to live their evil side’s fully, we’re quite proud that we’ve never had to return once yet for being too good. And I may say that Tearjerker here is definitely living up to that reputation…”
Within minutes a thousand more rivers flowed until they met in a red sea, that drowned all humanity.
At this point Ethederal normally paused to let the newcomers take in all that they had seen and also so that he could feed Tearjerker her bowl of raw intestine. It was just as well he did pause because it was at just that moment his phone rang;
“Hello… yes… what another Voodoo summoning?…. That’s my third this month… yes I know but can’t someone else do this one, you know how they mess up my hair… oh very well… but I warn you I’ll have to leave the newcomers with Tearjerker and you know what happened last time I did that… very well then on your head be it… yes that’s fine… bye…”
“Well it would appear ladies and gents that I am too leave you momentarily in the safe, supple and infinitely sensual hands of Tearjerker here while I am summoned before a Voodoo Council, I’m afraid it’s just one of the jobs of the On Duty Devil, but I will be back before you know it, Tearjerker be gentle with them, unless they ask otherwise of course…”
The men, their thirst for blood quenched, sat in a circle and summoned their leaders
Ethederal, the Devil of Love, landed with a disappointing lack of style. This was always the problem with travelling several hundred miles upwards in the time it took to blink, it left your legs every so slightly disconnected from the rest of you. However, he picked himself up, dusted down the dirt from the knees of his red suit and checked his mobile for the details of this particular call out. Having gained the most basic of information he walked towards the red and yellow glow of the firelight where the silhouetted black figures sat hunched and waiting.
Raising himself up for full theatrical significance, Ethederal burst into the circle of light;
“YOU DARE TO SUMMON ME? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS AFFRONTERY? SPEAK TO ME AND JUSTIFY YOURSELVES, MERE HUMANS”
And finally face to face with their chosen destiny the men found no words to describe their rivers
The leader of the men led Ethederal to a small church not a hundred yards from where they had been sitting. Whilst most the men had been scared and overawed when a Devil had appeared, this leader had stayed confident. And now as he walked towards the church, the dark made deeper still by the lone torch held above their heads, he seemed even more certain and confident. By the time he reached the rotted wooden door of the Chapel he had the air of a magician about to perform his greatest trick to the most appreciative audience.
Tapping his carved staff on the ground, he indicated to one of his followers to prise the door open so that he and the devil could walk inside. Ethederal wondered if the man knew what he was doing, didn’t he know that visiting the house of God put Devil’s in a very bad mood?
As they stepped inside Ethederal could make nothing out in the gloom. All that reached his senses was the overriding smell. And he knew that stench well. Stepping back behind him, with a bow, the leader of the small band of men finally found his voice;
We chose the House of God to raise the hand of the Devil
And now Ethederal stepped forward.
Inside this tiny chapel had been where women and children had taken shelter from the killing that men folk of all sides were inflicting upon their land. Here they had taken shelter in the arms of welcoming Priest who knew only peace and knew not of the sides and alliances men gave to each other. Here he had taken them in and promised them safety in the eyes of their protector.
And it was here they had died.
Not a dignified death. Not a death worthy of an individual. But a hacking, bleeding, painful, crying, frightened death.
The death of a mother clinging to her newborn child in the hope of saving her. But there had been no hope.
The death of a small girl throwing herself into the path of the scything blade as it arced towards her grandmother in the hope of saving her. But still there had been no hope.
And when Ethederal the Devil of Love stood in the doorway to that chapel in the presence only of the Stench of Death and the men who had bought it, there was still no hope.
And the absence of God was niggling him too…
Ethederal felt the blood boiling inside him. He walked deeper into the chapel, his feet sloshing in the still warm rivers of blood. Always at home to the symphonies of man’s darker emotions he pushed on further until he found the crushed skulls of innocents…
… And then the flames burst from within him…
By the time he turned to face the ever more worried group of men huddled in the doorway his whole body burned. Flames burst from every pore of him and his smart suit crackled with fire. Flame reached the ends of his fingers and wanted to go further
“YOU BOUGHT ME HERE!!” he screamed “YOU BOUGHT ME TO THIS KILLING FIELD BECAUSE YOU WERE PROUD OF IT! BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS THE DEVIL’S WORK. BUT WHERE IS THE SPIRIT, THE PASSION, THE HUMOUR, THE INTELLIGENCE, THE HUMANITY IN THIS? THERE IS NONE!” The devil’s voiced reached a high pitched wail of disgust “THIS IS NOT THE WORK OF DEVILS. THIS IS ONLY THE WORK OF HUMANS, YOU HAVE ONLY YOURSELVES TO BLAME, DO NOT SEEK OUT US TO SAVE YOUR SOULS AND JUSTIFY YOUR MADNESS… you have no souls to seek” he whispered.
And with that he whipped his arms in a huge circle and the flames engulfed the men. “EVEN I CONDEM YOU, YOU ARE WORTHY ONLY OF THE PIT…”
And with that the men howled with fright, but still they could not cry with the fear of their victims.
Ethederal slowly walked from the chapel and into the fresh air, the flames slowly dimmed as they met the night sky and by the time he reached the embers of the fire they had gone completely, leaving only the charred edges of his suit and another large dry cleaners bill.
* * *
And with that Ethederal went back to his new inductees to hell and to his beloved Tearjerker who had been very busy in his absence. He finished off the guided tour and made sure they all found a nice quiet bed of nails for their first night in the communal dormitory and pain. He’d even made sure a couple of them had extra bandages to wrap the others in, just in case the pain go to much. And once that was all dealt and he felt there was very little more an on duty devil could really do, he decided he had a headache so he sat himself down to watch Romeo and Juliet, his favourite film of all time…
And when no one was looking God crept out from under the pews of the church and tendered his victims…