Hello, 'tis Chief Inspector Fred here and i'm asking for your help to catch one of the greatest criminal gangs this marvelous nation of ours owns.
I have no doubt at all that you have heard of the notorious Tomato Cult, surely famous throughout the land. For those of you that haven't i will give a brief recap of the way they work.
Most of you will be under the impression that the Tomato Cult are in fact just another one of an ever growing band of quasi-religious nutcases who stalk the earth preying on their victims. And it is true they do this as their day job. The Tomato Cult believe in an all powerful leader in the sky much as Christianity does, however they don't believe in God or Buddha or even Tom Jones as the ultimate diety. No, they believe in the Great Yellow Tomato.
The cult is made up of local groups and individual members are encouraged to rise up the scale as loyal followers. When they first join they are called Unripe Toms, those who have not yet experience the Tomato Cult initiation ceremony. Once a new recruit passes the ceremony they become a Red Tomato, the most common of all. For those wishing to progress further in the cult they mist be hand picked by their leaders to become Cherry Tomatoes. Once a Cherry Tomato followers are meant to give guidance to normal red tomatoes and unripe toms in order to help them save their souls and gravitate toweards that great greenhouse in the sky.
The leaders of each small group are called Vines. They are those that allow others to grow around them and to reach full fruition. They recieve and pass on the knowledge that will lead on to the everlasting growbags.
Successful Vines then leave their individual groups to become residents as the head office; 'The Hothouse'. This highly guarded, secret location is where great doctrinal decisions are made and the cult is run on a day to day basis and where the accountants count their huge stash of cash, proceeds from illegal fertilizer smuggling. Suffice to say that no one worries about the price of the morning coffee and biscuits and the hothouse.
Once the Vines reach the hothouse, they become roots. Those who are there to day and give life to others.
Convincing stuff eh?
Above the roots are the Council of Five Orange Tomatoes. This is made up of the five greatest tomatoes who haven't quite rippened to a Yellow Tomato. Above the council sits the earthly ruler of the Tomato Cult; the Yellow Tomato. He is the supreme spiritual ruler of the organisation.
And the chief crook.
The position of Yellow Tomato is the ultimate a human can reach and is the pinnacle of a devoted Tomatoes career. However, the position is a poisoned chalice for once a person reaches the ultimate position he is considered ripe and so must be cut from the organisation.
He must be murdered.
He will become a squashed tomato.
Sliced, diced, and put in the communal salad bowl.
But that is only their day job. At night The Tomato Cult become criminals on a huge scale. A complex goliath driven by a close knit group of masterminds at the centre. By night they commit every time of crime imaginable from illegal toad racing to trading pigeon gnu. From drug dealing to cheating at scrabble. They do it all. And more.
We need to stop them and i need your help.
First though i must explain more fully who i am. I am Fred de Veg, a former member of the tomato cult i was turned by the police and became an informer. When i left the organisation i rose through the ranks of the police, driven by the desire to bring about the destruction of the group.
I had been marked as a future Yellow tomato and i was being ripened before i wasa pulled for my own safety.
I had also threatened to blow my own cover by falling in love. This may not seem like a great crime to you but i made the mistake of falling in love with a woman, not a tomato plant. Women are frowned upon by the Tomato Cult. They say they are inferior beings who do not deserve to be among the finest breed in the land. Whoever questioned this diktat was always told;
"Have you ever seen a tomato plant with breasts?"
And that was quite hard to argue with.
It has been a long hard fight to try and bring them down though. There are no laws against being a lunatic religious cult, in fact in the name of diverstiy we even have to embrace some of them.
The only way to bring them to justice is to catch them at their crimes. I have found the bodies of 25 previous Yellow Tomatoes in the bottom of a giant shredder kept in the hothouse but i couldn't prove they hadn't all fallen in there by accident.
So i ask your for your help to catch them. Have you had a bufgie stolen recently? Has your toad developed go faster stripes? Has the z been missing from your scrabble set for a suspiciously long time, is there a dodgy looking pile of Ukranian fertilizer in your spare bedroom?
Or maybe your wife's second cousin has started eyeing up the salad drawer in your fridge in a perculiar way. Has your husband suddenly starting demanding fresh tomatoes on his fish and chips? Is you son wearing a lot of red with a green hat? Could anyone you know be a member of this dreaded cult?
If the answer to any of those questions is yes the dial this number and help today. The number is 0800 BLENDER, thats 0800 2536337.
Please call today and help save the next Yellow Tomato.