"Next.."

"Greetings your Excellency. I come from the planet Zeednah and i bring you peace in a bottle priced just $13.97, would you care to buy some for your people?"

"I'll take three bottles my good man, would you be kind enough to gift wrap them and mark for the attention of a woman named Emily. Fantastic duckie, pleasure doing bussiness with you. Next..."

"Your Majesty, gracious ruler of the multiverse..."

Mardi's attention drifted off, Thursday afternoons were always a bore. It had been a great idea of his, opening up the Royal Court one afternoon a week to the people. But it did now seem that all he got were cranks trying to sell him things and women trying to sell him their daughters. Maybe that was the price to pay for having a happy and contented population... His attention snapped back. Mainly because someone had poked him in the ribs.

"Oh yes, fantastic idea, I'll take four, gift wrap them for my mother will you. Next..."

And so the afternoon would go. Last week he'd bought his dad a week at an all women resort on an obscure planet in the Adrian range and his grandmother had got six new fighter ships, which was ok, because she did actually run the navy.

Ooo, there was that poke in the ribs again. Odeus his loyal and most senior aide could be very forceful when he felt his majesty wasn't being direct or powerfull enough for his position.

"Lovely duckie, we'll just take the one though, got to watch the public purse a bit. Next..."

Which was true. As Odeus was constantly reminding him, it was all very well having a happy population but the decision to abolish taxes throughout the multiverse was causing the treasury all sorts of problems. Selling the Imperial Castle last year had help but even he had to agree with Odeus that the Imperial Bungalow wasn't making the same impression on guests.

He tuned back in to listen to the next grovelling request...

"Oi Mardi, are you bloody listening to. These are quality merchandise. Your womenfolk will love 'em, far better than those sandels they've been wearing for the past 3000 yeats. So do we have a deal?

"Err, you could you just run that past me again? Please?"

"How many times! You bloody rulers are all the same, never listening. Right, one last time, these are my quality, patented FMB's. As i explained before, but you weren't listening, they are like KNB's but with extra F. We can also do them with extra T should you require, is that perfectly clear? Now are you gonna order them or am i wasting precious oxygen?"

"Err, what did FMB stand for again?"

"Fuck Me Boots"

"And KNB?"

"Knee High Boots"

"And what was the extra T?"

"Thats when we go thigh high, we chuck in extra talc with those orders"

"Right, do you have a pair i could see?"

"Right here, your Majesty, only got a few pairs left now, big sellers throughout the galaxy this season, gonna have to push you for a decision or i'll take 'em else where, plenty of buyers out there"

"Oh right, i understand completely young lady, sorry to hold you up. Just a couple more questions if i may sweetie"

The young lady in question tried to look interested. A lifetime trawling the outer reaches of the universe flogging boots to anyone who'd listen was not what she'd had in mind when she left Gorean12's finest all girls college. Mind you a sale was a sale. She put on her best smile and looked like someone who had never before had to explain the benefits of a shoe that covered the thigh, knee and calf for free as well as the foot.

"So what gives them the F as opposed to the K?"

"I thought you might ask that, many a shrewd customer does so i have here behind me my demonstration grandma. Now i ask you to understand that she is no genetic relation to myself and merely used to demonstrate the qualities of the goods involved. I must also add that the boots come without a granny included... You wouldn't believe the trouble i had getting her off the last planet when they realised she wasn't part of the deal, who'd have thought it, granny-knapping in this day and age!"

"Yes, quite"

"Anyway, your average FMB is designed to lubricate the advancement of the F, i.e. to get your regular ugly Susan laid, is that clear?"

"Quite, though i'm not sure we have an ugly Susan"

"Doesnt' matter your Majesty, the point is the FMB makes any woman instantly attractive, as this ugly 137 year old grandma will now demonstrate..."

 

 

The next five minutes were a bit of a blur looking back. Several members of Mardi's entourage had thrown themselves at the granny only to rebound forcefully off her steel underwear. In the ensuing chaos Mardi had bought ten pairs of boots and wished the young lady goodbye before she could bring more havoc to his bungalow.

In the calm after the storm the Mardibra had a nagging thought that wouldn't go away.

"Odeus, fetch the creremonial scooter, we must catch that woman before she leaves the planet"

And with such a bold and decisive command did the history of time itself change.

 

Mardi caught the FMB Saleswoman at the intergalactic spaceport and engaged in one last transaction.

"Umm, i don't know how to say this, i know you said those boots were for women..."

"Yes"

"Well i'd like a pair for myself"

"Really"

"Well if that's ok with you... i mean if you don't mind selling them... um, that is... um..."

"It's fine your Maj, plenty of men like yourself throughout the multiverse, no need to be embarassed. I've got just the thing in your size. To be honest, i thought you looked that kind of man when i first set eyes on you"

"Really?"

"Yep"

"Is that a good thing?"

"Err, maybe, anyway, here's you boots. Was there anything else? It's just my mum's expecting me back for tea in three days time and if i miss the next ship i'm buggered"

"No, no, oh just one thing, what was your name?"

"Bootylicious, geddit?"

 

Mardi travelled back to the bungalow a strangely changed man. Never known to be foreceful or devisive, he was contemplating giving orders, although he knew they would sound better coming from someone who didn't have an annoying nasal voice and overly camp manner for one who ruled the multiverse.

"Odeus, when we arrive back at the bungalow i want you to bring Emily over and leave us alone for the evening. No interuptions, do you understand?"

"Understood your majesty, as one man to another"

Odeus was a long suffering soul. A man who firmly believed that rulers of the universe should been seen and heard, preferably just after they had blasted a kingdom into submission, raided the gold  reserves, stolen the best women, murdered the priests and placed several flattering statues of themselves for the remaining peasants (and they would all be peasants by now) to admire and fear. That was ruling. Odeus felt strongly that Mardi failed on almost every score on that list and did his best to push him in the direction he felt his father, the previous supreme ruler, would have wanted. Often though, he failed.

Hence the bungalow, and the annual flower arranging contests and the the dainty, annoying wench that was Emily.

Never had he known such a pathetic specimen a Emily. Mind you, her and Mardi probably dserved each other. Anyway he could do with a night off, down the pub, with the lads. Better than going home to Mrs Odeus and her constant nagging.

 

And so the night did come

And so did pleasure

And this was a first

For Mardi was an impotent ruler of the Multiverse

And Emily was very pleased

And did yell so

And this was a first

For Mardi had never heard a woman yell with pleasure before

 

And so it was that Mardi awoke the next morning a changed man. Well for a start, he awoke feeling like a man. And this bought changes in him.

 

Throwing himself out of bed, Mardi was hungry. Famished even, ready for the finest breeakfast his part time chef could provide. He strode into the kitchen and opened his mouth.

"BRING ME BREAKFAST FOR I AM RULER OF THE UNIVERSE AND A GOD TO WOMEN"

Walls shook, men shook, Odeus' hangover shook. Mardi shook. If it had had any sense the Multiverse would have shook with fear. Mardi was not himself this morning.

 

Sometime later, Mardi was relaxing in the ceremonial spa with a large cigar and a pint of locally brewed Martian ale, talking to Odeus;

"I can't believe it"

"No sir, neither can we"

"I mean, everytime i open my mouth, BOOM!"

"Oh that, no we couldn't believe that either"

"I think we need some changes round here Odeus"

"Couldn't agree more Sir"

"You know, we have those boots to thank"

"Pardon"

"Oh without those, none of this would have happened"

"Really, i wasn't aware it involved one's feet?"

"No, they give me power Odeus. When i slide them on, feel the leather against my legs, zip them up nice and tight and then stand up and balance on those perfect stiletto heels i can feel the power surging through my body. They make me alive Odeus"

"Really Sir, it sounds a little unusual. Most me just disappear to the toilet by themselves if they need to"

"Eh?"

"Never mind, you were saying"

"Ah yes, so my first command is to find Bootylicious and give her this order. Tell her to bring me her finest pair of FMB's with extra T to me by Monday and she can have whatever she wants in payment. Money, jewels, a kingdom, she can name her price but i must have those boots"

"And how, Sir, do you plan to give her jewels or money when we have neither and you are lying in a converted pig trough pretending to be a spa"

"Ah, that was my second command..."

 

Bootylicious was found halfway back to her mother trying to sell FMB's to a monk with an inquisitive mind. He was proving surprisingly quick on the uptake. The sale was going well so she did not appreciate being dragged into a small alleyway off the main market by two large men, dressed in black, with an air of menace that was none too shy.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"You"

"I charge"

"No, not like that"

"Or maybe not til later..." The two men sniggered. Outstanding wit and repartee was beyond them, Smut was not.

"Ha Ha. What do you really want then?"

"We have a message from His Royal Highness, Gracious Majesty, Mighty Ruler of the Multiverse, Emperor of Bognor Regis, Count of Pluto, His Magnificent Worthiness Ye Mardi of Bra-ness."

"Do i know him?"

"Err, you may know him as Mardi."

"Oh yes, do carry on know you've got your breath back"

"We are to give you this envelope and accompany you on your mission and ensure your safe return to his Royal Highness, Gracious Majesty, etc, etc, by next Monday"

"And if i don't want his mission or his return ticket...?"

"Then we have other instructions"

Bootylicious considered her situation. She read the contents of the envelope. She smiled. Money was always tight and this 3 days work promised plenty. It also gave her the perfect excuse to miss her mother's cooking.

With a quick turn and wink she was on her way;

"I'm all yours boys"

 

War is a dreadful thing. It maims, kills, destroys, dehumanises, vapourises and sanitises all who partake within her. It is also the only proven way of expanding your empire so that encompasses most of hte known universes and some that aren't very well known. War had been what Mardi's father had been good at. In a stench of fear, misery and defear he had found victory and he had abused that victory until it had become power. And from power flowed wealth and fear in equal measure. In short, Mardi Snr had found his way to the top and then found a way to stay there.

What he hadn't found was a way of making sure his son had the same animal instinct when it came ot suppressing the peoples of the universe and profiting from their misery. Up until now Mardi had prefered to rule by consesus. His was a happy people, free from taxes, illness, fear and predators. Neighbouring planets actually volunteered to join him and be suppressed by him so they could enjoy the good times too. In his own way he was as much of a success as his father.

But the old men who had surrounded his father never appreciated this kind of victory. Men such as Odeus stood quietly in shadowy corners, stroking their beards, muttering words of discontent that were more powerful than many knives. Up until today Mardi had ignored them, safe in the knowledge he was right and that humanity did deserve a humane leader.

But one night had changed that. Now he had felt Power. Real, sexy, destructive, hollywood, Boom! power and he wanted more. Which is why his second in command had led him and Odeus to the Ministry of Offence's planning room and why they were poring over a large map of the multiverse selcting a target for destruction. Mardi wanted to make a lot of things go Boom...

... including Emily and possibly that attractive blonde in the corner who looked seriously good in uniform. He whispered to one of his advisors. Ten minutes later, the attractive blonde, who was called Kerrianna, for all it was worth, was chained to the Emperor's new, far more impressive bed wearing nothing but a pair of FMB's. Power was good.

Anyway, we get ahead of ourselves. Back in the planning room a likely target had been found. It was a planet called Nevellus and was home to about 5million people. Peaceful, rich and undefended it would be the perfect place to extract the cost of the perfect FMB's. He could even give the planet to Bootylicious as a present if she wanted it. War it would be. A quick war and an expensive surrender, that was how Odeus had explained it.. All they needed now was his order.

And he wavered.

Inside he was a man of consensus still. Peace would be right. If his people knew the reasons they may volunteer the cost of the boots he desired. Maybe the Nevellians would like to join the Empire as others had.

Inside the warm, sweaty, crowded masculine control room, Mardi wavered. And on all sides around him were computer screens ready to work war by remote control, ready to unleash terror, fear and torment.

And Mardi wavered.

Odeus, the cunning old servan that he was, saw the warning signs. He had been in this room was Mardi's father the first time he had gone to war. He alone of those here now had been present that day. He had pressed the button into Mardi Snr's had that had allowed him to press the button to start war.

Now it was Odeus' turn to whisper to a trusted aide. The aide scurried away and Odeus turned his attention to Mardi.

"Now sir, this is a big decision, may i suggest you come and sit in your father's chair. From here you can see everything clearly."

"Err.. yes good idea"

"This is the chair of the leader, commander of people Mardi and it brings grave responsibilities. Your father understood that."

"Yes, umm, can we turn some of these screens off?"

"We can, but we do not need to. We have something for you Sir" The aide reappeared on schedule and Odeus took a package from him. "Would you like to put these on for a moment?" he grinned.

 

Two minutes later, war began. The FMB's had made Mardi go Boom! Again.

 

 

Bootylicious was feeling pretty pleased with herself. She had found the boots she knew would make Mardi tick. She had managed to persuade both her minders to buy three pairs of boots each for their wives back home and the monk had bought a pair after all. It had been a good afternoon.

The reason she had been so quick to find the boots of Mardi's dreams was because she had them already. Locked away in a large case, they were her insurance policy if anything went wrong as she trawled some seedy planets.

Take a look at them. Thigh high pvc boots, oozing sexuality from the top to the end of the metal 6in heel. The zip was nice, but the lace up front added a touch of tartiness that really made them a true FMB. Diamonds encrusted in each eyehole for the laces and across the bridge of the foot. Bling always helps as well. These were the boots to bring her fortune.

The journey back was promising to be uneventful. She wanted it to be as quick as possible. Never a girl to be messed around or show her tender side unnecessarily, she had in fact, managed to find herself a man back home and he was waiting for her to return after a long three months away scouring the universe for customers. She had often admitted to herself in quiet moments that he was not perfect and probably wasn't 'the one'. But he did what he was told and didn't get under her feet when she as busy. And he was a taurus. She had a thing for taurus'.

The two beefy minders and Bootylicious stooped in a spaceport service station to grab a coffee and something to eat when suddenly a news flash appeared on the TV screens around the room.

War was declared.

The Empire of Mardi was to have it's day of battle and its victory. "We fight for the spoils of war" declared an annonymous spokesman who looked suspicously liked Odeus' son. "Our Great Ruler Mardi had found the strength to lead us into battle and we must follow"

Bootylicious, hard nosed bitch that she was, choked on her coffee. Grabbing her bags she headed for the door dragging to bemused bodyguards in her wake.

"Come on, we've got to get to him before he does something really stupid!"

 

 

Possibly she was too late.

The ruling bungalow had gone. Mardi had re-taken the old Imperial Palace in the name of nationalisation and chucked the current owner in the basement and told him he would be down to discuss PPP finance plans shortly. The decorators were summound and told they had just five hours to work their magic. Which, depending on you viewpoint, they had. And they'd had no choice for Mardi was, by this point, dressed head to toe in stylish, Italian cut, black with a large sword hanging from his waist and an equally large whip hanging from his left hand. He was going for the Prince of Darkness look in a big way.

Upstairs the Master Suite had been redesigned to accomodate Mardi's new needs. A large water bed with a mirrored ceiling above it was in the centre of the main bedroom with lush white carpets you could lose a sheep in across the floor and black leather across the walls. There was no natural light, which in some ways was appropriate as it was a style black hole.

Next door was a room slightly more sparsely furnished. The walls were bare brick and housed an interesting collection of chains and torture equipment. Currently in occupation wer the blonde from the Ministry of Offence planning room and two brunettes who had caught his eye whilsh discussing wallpaper for the main dining room downstairs. Mardi was not wasting time being picky.

And he was strutting.

The boots made him strut and the power made him stride. If was a dangerous, if fairly sexy, combination.

War was going well, people were being killed but by all accounts they weren't his people.

Buildings were being destroyed, but they weren't his buildings.

Lives were being changed, and so was his.

He just didn't realise it.

 

Bootylicious ran up the staris of the Imperial palace, two bodyguards trailing behind her, struggling with the lugguage.

"Where is he?"

The man at the Information and Bondage desk in the hallway looked blank.

"Who?"

"His Supreme Royal Deity or whatever you bloody call him this week"

"The Emperor is in his private chambers and is not to be disturbed"

"Tell that to the Nevellians!"

With that she was up the stairs before the guards could stop her. Not that any of them would have tried. It was too close to clocking off time and with her long black hair flowing behind her and a face like thunder, Bootylicious did not give the impression she wanted to stop and chat any time soon.

Bursting throught the large metal doors, she barely had time to register the stylish glitterball before pouncing on Mardi. This was slightly harder than it sounds as he was underneath a strawbery blonde from the upholsterers at the time.

"What the bloody hell have you done?"

"EH?"

Don't play innocent with me, boot boy"

"AH"

"This bloody war, it's your boots, isn't it?"

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

Bootylicious had the decency to look embarrassed for a moment.

And then looked across the room to the six bodyguards by the door and just became mad again.

 

 

Five minutes later Mardi and Bootylicious were alone in the bedroom, dressed. Mardi was desperately trying to explain why he had gone to war. Bootylicious was patiently trying to explain why you never made big decisions whilst feeling like a loved up tart with a power complex. Neither was being entirely successful.

"So have you got my new boots?"

"You think you deserve new boots?"

"That was the deal. Now whats you price, money, jewels, power?"

"You think i want the spoils of your rotten war?"

"I think you need the spoils of my war"

"I don't!"

"That's agreed then, fancy dinner tonight?"

"Maybe, but don't think that means you've won, i just want another chance to yell at you until you understand"

"That's fine. Will you be wearing FMB's?"

Mardi had the good sense to duck before the vase hit the space his head had been in.

 

Dinner that night was tense.

Breakfast the next morning was less so.

Bootylicious was force to admit that Mardi did suit the FMB's with extraT.

Mardi would happily admit to anyone that Bootylicious looked good in absolutely nothing.. which is what she was wearing by the end of dinner.

 

Mardi strode towards the control room. Odeus was waiting by the door looking even more smug than usual.

"Progress report Sir. Nevellus has surrendered. Their leader, General Wok, has asked for peace terms, what shall i tell him?"

"Tell him our new head of diplomacy will be taking the first shuttle to negotiate terms, until then we agree to ceasefire.

"New head of Diplomacy Sir?"

"Bootylicious baby, get on that shuttle and get ready to give those Nevellians hell. Make sure they do what they're bloody well told"

Mardi smilled and turned sharply;

"Anyone wants me, i'll be playing with my new boots..."